Tuesday, 9 August 2016

1..2..3.. and then what ?

"Gather round men..  look lively now...this is it...you'e all been briefed, watches synchronised, and the objective clear ?    good, Lads, I won't tell you any lies, some of us, maybe all, may not make it... the enemy is at the gate, and we have to open it, whatever it takes,  the lives of thousands of fellow countrymen will depend on tonight... good luck.....

It's attending the Dr's again of course... a journey and challenge fraught with daring and much devilling to do... a truly depressing place, makes beige look interesting, it's populated with a wild assortment of patients, coughing, wheezing and generally doing their earnest bit to spread the bubonic plague as is their want, and a few who want a sick note to watch the footy.... 

Some are loaded down with enough medication to cure the 3rd world, then again this IS the 3rd world now... I approach the counter, heavily bedecked, and fortified with notices about what your GP won't do,  and God help you if you don't comply sort of thing,  it is accompanied by a price list that resembles Patagonia's national debt.  FREE HEALTH CARE ? where you been living...

I'm told to sit and wait, but bored, that bored I am even reading the notices on the wall... At least they are more modern reading than the horse and hound magazines of 1953 they usually leave us to peruse.... Have YOU weighed yourself lately ? erm... NO ! I do have other things in life to get on with, and standing on a scales is hardly riveting an excersize, I can't see below my waistline anyway what's the point ?  .... Have YOU taken 10,000 steps today ? no bloody fear ! I gasp, what do you think I am stupid or something ? It's a bit late at my age going for the burn, I can just about manage tepid... if it is all downhill..  

The health service (Why do they call it a HEALTH service ? people only go there when they're sick), and yet another poster in 200 languages which says primary care is only for visitors from abroad. They will provide access for every nation on the planet in their own language, and even Neptunian if that is your preference, but the bottom line is not today thank you if you are British, or deaf.

"What do you want !",  a snarling voice comes from apparently nowhere in  particular shouts, I look around and behind the frosted glass public enemy number one emerges, the Surgery secretary, "erm...", " c'mon ! c',mon !", she shouts, "I haven't got all day, if it's to make an appointment don't waste my time, the place is full of sicko's as it is and we're choc-a-bloc for the next millennium, and the Doc has better things to do......"

"Erm.. I already HAVE an appointment, "Lucky sod..", some voice from behind me opined, "I've been here 4 weeks and no luck... my grandchildren won't know me".  "What TIME is your appointment  ?", the voice from the grave shouted again, "Erm.. in about 15 minutes", I said.  "Can you come back in an hour ?" she said, "The Doctor is on a call.. to the 19th green...", I said "Sorry it's freezing out there, can I wait here ?"  "This isn't a doss house, but, OK ..", she said.. but no messing about, and don't touch the pens...we've CCTV now.."

I sit down, there's more life in a funeral parlour than here, there's a TV on,  which is showing for some reason no-one can really explain, foetus's running about and jumping about, and even some climbing up mountains and rock climbing, YOU ! they shout, could be as active as these people if.... a voice drones from the set, no I couldn't ! you're kidding aren't you ? why not show someone in a wheelchair being pulled up Mont Blanc or something, or an 90yr old granny swimming the Atlantic ?  Get real !

That over, I rather blushed a bit, because I thought someone had switched to a porn channel, it was lithe and lively 16yr old teenage women wearing little but a smile and some god-awful noisy dirge in the background while they all flashed their norty and wobbly bits at us, and did acrobatics that should be banned in full view of minors.  It was obviously for the mathematically illiterate as they could only count "1..2..3 and ", "1,2, 3.. and " then did it over and over again, "It's FOUR " I shouted, " for god's sake... FOUR !"

There is no way on God's earth any of us here are going to look like a healthy 16yr young girl (Not without a sex change, some industrial style cosmetic surgery, and frequent visits from the vice squad anyway).  

An old boy next to me said "What's it saying ?", he was deaf in one ear he said and didn't hear in the other... I suggested the secretary could turn the set up a bit, as he didn't hear what was being said. "Why does HE watch it then ?"  she said "Is he a deaf or daft or something...?"  I said 1 out of 2... "What about subtitles  ?", "He could read it then.."  We don't do extras.." she said "He's here to get treatment not to watch the TV", "So why do you have a TV set ?" I said... so she turned it up, until the windows rattled.... 

"Why can't these idiots get  a hearing aid or something..." she mumbled... "every morning I get at least three or four who are ill and wasting my time, anyone would think that's all we are here for...."

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