Saturday, 6 August 2016

Friends, Romans, Countrymen...

It's a trial (Writing that is), and  If you believe the hype there is nothing you can do, say or write, (Or was that a John Lennon song ?), that hasn't already been done by someone else, then read on.  

Look, no-one has done any joined up writing in 15 years... where you been ?  In an effort to breakthrough, and show how erudite you can be without being locked up for it, you have to compete with 'viral' posts that are either about cats/dogs/gerbils whatever, doing what they do anyway, or silly people trying to maim themselves for 15 secs of online glory, or just be so stupid it defies rationale'.  

I gather if you have an ugly pet, (Or even an uglier partner), then you cannot fail.... As regards to writing, publishers sadly, aren't interested in ANYTHING you write, unless the media have picked up on your efforts, or even recorded your last 14,324 failures... They are more likely to pick up the fact what you haven't done, rather than what you have. Failure has its own pecking order and hierarchy.  We adore failure, and if you are stupid even better...

Unlike the USA for example, British hate successful people, so play it down, (or even over-hype it, and get attacked for it), the latter is more likely to make you a success.   No-one likes smart-alecs.  There is no money in talent, anyone can study at a University, or spend a few quid to get a Knighthood, even applying make up to the Prime Minister's wife is a way in. Going for it with the Guinness book of records via how many snails in custard you can eat in 3 mins is a good start, check it hasn't been already done... odds are, it has been.  Stupidity has no bottom line...

Only non-talent and having breasts bigger than barrage balloons are a real and definite advantage, mainly because male readers only look at the pictures, and females only want to run men down because of it.... So why do women do it ? Logic doesn't really apply here.  The world is crazy so trying to stand out as being sane won't do you any favours...

The primary function of  a publisher, is to make profit, so first I could suggest you enter some reality show, or paint yourself blue for a few months, and skate board everywhere, while jelly juggling, then they will throw money at you to explain why you were stupid enough to do it.  Alternatively, you could attempt to be a TV chef, '50 shades of Casserole', may well be a sure-fire winner, especially if your YouTube offerings are done in the nude.... or you could be someone so unbelievably shallow, the physicists are still struggling to define it.  

The world is full of people born without a brain, and think Logic is a new boy-band.   It can be disheartening to find your blog efforts over years have managed only 15,023 views in its 8 year entirety, even paying your relatives to log in to bump up the ratings has failed, then someone who can barely string a sentence together, and needs considerable support to remember their own name,  gets 500,000 overnight, for falling over a fence, and TV are queuing up to film them, and offering them employment as TV presenters....  or political journalists...

Our primary mistake is assuming people, want coherent, well thought out, blogs, stories, and to be gripped by quick-fire action, and innovative story telling, and appreciate, that in-depth, factual research has been done.  BORING !! They are more likely to want to hone in on the fact,  your brother's 3rd cousin's friend once knew Abraham Lincolns granddaughter's boy friend, instant fame. Anyone can write 'War and Peace' Tolstoy knew that, throw in a few cannons, some snow,  and about 3m extra words, can't fail.... I never manged to read it myself, so, did he get the girl or what ?

A story here is of a family that won £61m on the lottery, who were sidelined by an ex-boyfriend of the winning family's daughter, who ran a sob story about missing out on  getting a percentage, because the girl-friend dumped him by text. Having lost the girl, and a cut of the winnings, he is coining it telling us all how he lost out, and how he wishes them well through his gritted teeth.  A side bonus, a few women feel sorry for him and are sending him invites and bits of their underwear... regardless if it fits him...

Our main mistake is assuming readers want quality and well-thought out stories and articles, they don't,  train your dog to type instead, OK he may well get more recognition than you do, even type better stories but... you get the cash and he just gets dog food....... Win-win.

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