Monday, 28 November 2016

Stand on your liver

Image result for too pissedHospitals get worse.  Visiting your loved ones is going to cost you an arm and a leg too (As if taking our hard-earned cash to park isn't enough), for parking your car on a visit.  

The  NHS is skint, so needs to raise more cash, but after complaints of overcharging, they have decided to set up an insurance/endowment scheme, so you can park all you like, in return for the deeds of your house, after all, you aint gunna, (sorry got that from Eastenders or somewhere), need it after are you ? 

You'll be spending all your time in the car park, protecting your space, if you get something nasty, you're there on the spot, cushty. Chem la femme cariad, as they say.  The hospital can run a B&B, and a soup kitchen, use up all that stuff the patients won't touch, and resembles the Quatermass experiment, (the NHS dinner),  it's a money maker for the NHS, charge 50 pence for a pee, £5.50 (7 or 8 euros or summat), if you have the runs etc, the world's your halibut. 

The regular Friday/Saturday night grind, where our staunch, front-line, (and heavily sedated I suspect), medical staff, spend hours, risking life, sanity, and limb to clean up the vomit, blood and the other bits and pieces left over after your usual happy go lucky, binge drinking fun nights out, is to be subsidised, in a very novel way, rather than drunks wandering around the town centre from pub to club, gutter to gutter, and to the Burke and Frisket bistro and back again, then gaily decorating our streets with their multi-coloured, pizza, dodgy curries, chips, kebabs, and urine, they build a bar/restaurant in A&E, (call it FORCEPS or something), and let them drink out of e.g. bed pans, not in use, bartenders can wear green pinnies and masks, KOOL ! 

Surgical alcohol will also separate the men from the boys, girls from their underwear, paint from the walls, (and possibly some from their eyesight, stomach-lining, and liver but....).
This is a brilliant idea I would urge all NHS hospitals to adopt. Initially it will save thousands of man/woman/person/auditor/disabled individual/ethinc sector/ religious preferenced, hours, petrol, and staffing costs for our Ambulances, and free up paramedics, they just wait for them to keel over, then wheel 'em straight from bar to A&E, the no-hopers straight down the chute to pathology.  

They could use up the surplus colostomy bags, for those who don't like to leave the bar, and waste valuable drinking time, for  a small fee.  There's profit to be made on booze sales too, it's a guaranteed money-spinner, cuts violence at a stroke, and virtually zeroes, town centre issues of drunkenness, fighting, and drug taking, you could get prescription drugs there, and they'd be safely dispensed, forget E's, polo mints are rad ! 

Vimto infusions (Taken orally), are also IN.  Forget alco-pops, REAL pop is a man's drink, I dare you to drink 3 glasses of non-diet (Let's live dangerously), Lime Tango... and still be able to recite War and Peace backward in Hebrew !  It may even pave the way for the over 18s to safely go out of a weekend, I've never known what happens when it gets dark around here, since 1974. 

We'd get our skittles, shove 'halfpenny,  half lagers, and darts nights back, whoopeee ! domino evenings could take off with a real vengeance, pubs would start putting sawdust down again, throw out those wall TV's that send play endless moronic music, and handicap epileptics, put back that piano I say ! (put chairs back too, the ones they took out because you were relaxing, instead of drinking yourself stupid again).  It cuts down the need for heavy police presences too, you just station 2 or 3 at the Hospital, sorted.  

I can't think why no-one thought of it before.   Blood donorship is drastically down, and there'd be more than  enough 'On tap' as it were, right there in A&E, an unlimited supply, and all free, all you need is a big sponge, and a tea strainer to filter the booze content out, then the NHS charities won't have to send begging letters out, or breathe heavily down our phone lines, pleading for a pint or three like latter day vampires, or press-ganging you after 15 pints.

Kidney donors would rocket, while drunk, the NHS doctors, can get 'em to sign them away before they get too sozzled for any practical use, whip one out,  they won't miss them.  

All those vital services are then freed up for genuinely ill people (well they say there are some), it's a radical idea treating sick people, but the NHS can be UK Leaders in paving the way here, don't you think ?

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